Yes, I've been away. And now I'm ready to tell you why. Be prepared, this is not a happy story.

In early March, I found out that I was pregnant. We had been "seeing what happens" for four months. Both of us were excited and scared, but very happy. I was a few weeks along, but Hubby couldn't help himself and told everyone he knew. Naturally, our family and friends were very excited for a new addition. We'd been married for a while and didn't want children right away. I finally knew what it was like to be pregnant. And for me, it seemed to involved sore breasts and nausea if I had an empty stomach.

Sadly, a couple of weeks ago, we had found out that I had a spontaneous miscarriage. I had a second ultrasound at week 10. It revealed that my fertilized egg had stopped developing. We were crushed. I more so than Hubby. I was a crying wreck for a good 5 days. I still get teary eyed, like right now. It's still hard.

We were told that it wasn't anything we did or didn't do. It was most likely something was chromosomally incorrect. Miscarriage is also frightningly common, at about 20% of all pregnancies. Though, we're starting to think that figure is too low, since many people have come forward to me with their stories or of those of women they know.

As for me, I didn't feel a thing and actually didn't know there was a problem until the ultrasound. Though the technician did not say a word about it, I knew from looking that there was a problem. I left that day more scared than reassured. My doctor called me two days later to set up an appointment. After that, I knew there was a problem. Then we got official confirmation from the doctor. While I held it together in his office, I was a mess once I got to my car. I drove home sobbing, since Hubby had met me at the doctor's. Hubby made phone calls to everyone while he drove home. He took care of me the whole weekend and did his best to cheer me up and make sure no one bothered me.

So, here I was - I had a fertilized implanted egg-thing still in my uterus. My doctor referred me to another doctor to do a D&C. I won't go into details, but it's surgery where they pretty much clean up your uterus. My body still thought it was pregnant. I could have waited until it figured it out, but I couldn't handle that. Nor did I want to use the medicine to induce the miscarriage (if it doesn't work you have to get the surgery anyway). I had the procedure done. My very first surgery in a hospital.

It was all very quick and efficient. Everyone at the hospital was very nice and they really made the whole experience very comfortable. I don't remember a thing from the procedure itself. They had pretty much knocked me out. My mom was with me and took care of me the rest of the day until Hubby could pick me up. They gave me some very nice painkillers and some other assorted medicines. Most of all, I got closure. And now I can move on.

I've returned to work and most of my usual routine. Except for cooking. I haven't cooked much since the bad news, or even before that. Being pregnant is very exhausting. Plans are being made for the future. I'm almost back to my functioning self, about 95%.

This has been the biggest emotional roller coaster I've ever been on. From excitement and happiness to deep sorrow and loss in such a short span of time. People are more guarded around me now. And I'm glad for it, it's still difficult to talk about. Right now, I'm just trying to stay busy. For my emotional state, I'm trying to see this as an opportunity for self-improvement and that it perhaps just wasn't the right time. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that, despite the difficulty in doing so.

If you happen to be a pregnant lady, I am not bitter or angry. I can be around babies and pregnant ladies without turning into an angry, emotional bitch. I was angry for a while, but more so at the unfairness of it all. "Why me?" went through my head quite a bit. "I'm a failure" went through my head as well, but there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent the outcome. They say it's insensitive to say that at least it happened now rather than if I were further along. However, I completely agree. I never had the opportunity to feel a kick or pick out a name. It never had a heartbeat and never really was alive in any sense. It's cold comfort though.

I will live through this. I am not alone.

And someday, we'll try again. But not anytime soon.


Marisol said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I am a believer that things happen for a reason. My cousin had two miscarriages and she & her hubby were devastated. Fast forward 5 years and now they have 2 little girls (3 & 1).

Hang in there and take the time to grieve but don't let it get you down.

Lys said...

*hugz* Oh man - I knew something was wrong but figured you would talk when you were ready. Marisol said it perfectly. Everything in due time, right?

My condolences to you and Hubby!!!!

Auburn Kat said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It was something that was out of your control and when the time is right it will happen! Hang in there!


rachel said...

I am so sorry to hear your devastating news. I know that there is not much I can say to make the situation seem any better, but please know that there are many loyal blog friends out here in "internet land" thinking about you and sending our prayers your way.

You are a fun, smart, interesting woman! Thank you for sharing your story even during the difficult times.


jae said...
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jae said...

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I also lost my first pregnancy, at 19 weeks, went thru all that stuff that happeneds and know how hard and crappy it is. If I can say anything it would be that it's ok to mourn the loss, it's just fine if you need to lay down and cry and it's ok to smile at the memories of happy times and whistfull thinking and move on. We also waited to try again (it was three years) and I think it gave me a better perspective on things. Hugs to you and your husband, Michelle. You are in my thoughts. ~j

emigre said...


Yvett said...

Aww, Michelle. I am so sorry. My condolences to you and your hubby. You're in my thoughts. Here's sending you {{{good vibes}}}.

wyn said...

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you continue to find comfort with your family and friends. No doubt you are a strong woman from your emerging perspective on what has happened. Hugs and prayers for you.